Dinner with Ellyn Satter...

I had the pleasure of bringing M down to meet Ellyn Satter on my last visit. My daughter is what brought me to Ellyn and this world of childhood feeding initially so this was extra special. I first talked to Ellyn when M was just over a year old.It was touching to see them chatting away. As I expected, Ellyn was calm, pleasant, engaged, not pushy, warm and loving with the little ones. Then it was time for dinner.We were at the home of a good  friend and colleague whose husband had prepared a yummy meal of spaghetti, marinara sauce, broccoli, salad and fruit for dessert. I wondered what M would eat- with Ellyn Satter at the table...On some level, I wanted M to "show" Ellyn what a great eater she is, (by default I suppose what a great feeder I am) but M only ate plain spaghetti and fruit, politely turning down the sauce and the broccoli. I bit my tongue, but wanted to assure everyone that M usually loves the sauce, and broccoli is one of her staple favorites. We all had a lovely meal, and the children were excused to play. I joked with Ellyn that it had gone relatively well considering, but I did share that M ate far less variety than usual. Ellyn was not concerned in the least. To paraphrase, "It's perfectly normal when there's excitement, or other children around. It's why at pot-lucks kids often only eat dessert. It's the only food that can compete with the excitement and playing with the other children."  There was no bribing, whining or battles at the table, and no comments or judgment from the adults. All the children ate from what was on the table, stopped when they had enough and went off to play.I've wrestled with this awareness of how my daughter is eating before– when at a boisterous party, M happened to get sick after dinner.  Inevitably during the meal I was asked what I do, and shared a bit. I talked a little about the Trust Model and how kids know how much to eat and can learn to eat a good variety. (While the other dads were enforcing their rules that the kids try some of everything and my daughter had 2 or 3 things chosen that she wanted to try- but mostly orange jello.)So when she was sick, I was mortified. Did she overeat? Would the folks at the party think, "Ha, that woman has no clue what she's doing!" I don't even know what the issue was with M– if she did "overeat," if the buzz of the six kids made it hard for her to tune in to her internal cues, if she had a bug... What  bothered me most was  that I was embarrassed.I thought a lot about what I was feeling, because it's just not fair that I felt on some level that M has to be perfect, or be a poster child at every meal or outing for my work or the feeding strategies I teach. (Most potlucks are interesting as M invariably starts with dessert while parents stand nearby enforcing various food rules, then she goes on to usually enjoy a variety of the offerings. See, even here I feel like I have to explain!)I think many of us parents feel this way to some degree. If you bottle feed out of necessity or choice while your breast-feeding friends extol the benefits of "liquid gold..." If your little one doesn't slurp down the salad, or has seconds on pasta...  If your child is plump... If you are fat, and your little one, lean or not has dessert... If one mom announces she wouldn't let her child near "processed flour or sugar," while your little one is munching on Teddy Grahams... What might you feel? (see post on feeding and judgement)I have to be aware, as we all do, to stick with the program and not let our fear of judgment color how we feed or parent our kids. Only we get to see the pleasant meals day after day, the variety, the days when the kids hand back half an ice-cream cone, or ask for seconds on stir-fry. (We also get to see the whining for ice-cream or candy and the looks when it's taco night, again...) Our kids won't eat "perfectly" at every meal or snack, nor should they. As a society we need to chill out. Not judge each other so much, and most of all not judge ourselves so harshly.What do you think?