I had a meeting with a friend at a coffee shop this morning and the Barista (that's the person who makes the coffee...) said, "Wow, you are rockin' the boyfriend look. Where did you get those jeans?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, my ill-fitting, over-sized, road salt-stained jeans from Old Navy are fashionable. I love these jeans because they are comfortable and functional. I also love to wear pretty colors and flowy dresses, and sometimes more form-fitting clothes in anywhere from a size 8-12 depending on the clothing item. My mom would hate these jeans (and would not hesitate to tell me.) Now, as thrilled as I was to be informed that I was trendy, it made me think about clothes and how they fit and how we feel in our clothes and in our skin and mothers and weight...
These jeans are too baggy for her taste. It reminded me that all the clothes I have bought with my mom, or that she kindly offers to buy me are invariably too tight and uncomfortable. She wants clothes that are "slimming" or have stretch. (Of note, she is quite fashionable and did come of age in the 60's with the bee-hives and mini-skirts.) I used to protest that I couldn't breathe right or bend down during fitting room negotiations, but she would usually convince me to allow her to buy me the smaller clothes. Even now, the message I hear is, you don't look skinny, and how other people perceive your size matters. Recently I did a talk in a pair of my black "work" pants and couldn't get a deep breath. I literally sat down and unbuttoned them during the talk. (Hey Wisconsin workshop attendees, did anyone notice?) I wondered if all that wonderful bread I was eating was changing my body. Then I realized these were pants I had bought with my mother...
One mom of a now college-aged girl lamented that she had tried to motivate her daughter to lose weight, already in middle school, by buying her nice and trendy clothes in sizes that were too small. She has a good relationship with her daughter, but her daughter does struggle with body-image and eating. Her daughter recently told her how hurtful that was, and how it made her feel bad and fat and ugly, and that her mother would love her more if she was smaller. This was not her mother's intention at all...
We should love ourselves and our children
as we are. Find and buy stylish clothes (if that is important to you) that fit and that are comfortable. When kids pick up on, or are told directly that they are fat, or too big, or that you would prefer them to be any other way than they are, they can't feel good about themselves. In fact, kids who think they are too big feel flawed in every way. They feel less smart, less capable, less lovable and are more likely to engage in counterproductive behaviors like dieting, disordered eating and less physical activity. See my article on
"Talking to your kids about food."Thoughts?
