Family Interference this Holiday Season

Holidays can be hard, especially around parenting, feeding, weight etc. Here are some random tips for handling the Holidays.So let's say...

• Timmy is a selective eater...
• You have hated cranberry sauce since your folks forced you to eat it as a child...
• Marie is heading into puberty and has put on a little weight in preparation...
• Bobbie is smaller than cousin Cort who was born six months after him...
• Susie has been in speech and feeding therapy for a year and the family wants to see "progress"...

All will be fodder for the Thanksgiving and Holiday tables. Your feeding (thus parenting) may feel in question.

• "What are you feeding him!?"
• "Just make her eat it, she won't let herself starve."
• "Don't you think she's had enough gravy?"
• "Here Lori, have some more beans if you're still hungry!"

Gramma Eve raised six kids and they're all "fine," so she is of course a feeding expert, Uncle Sam just lost 30 pounds at his work's Biggest Loser contest, Betty actually force-fed your three-year-old mashed potatoes last year (then he threw up) because she is convinced he'd "like potatoes if he just tried them!"What to do? Other than boycott Thanksgiving (which is an option), here are a few thoughts. Your family will intrude, will say or do the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish with feeding, eating or body-image.One phrase I have found particularly useful with family is, "Please follow my lead." They don't have to understand, agree with or actively partake in your feeding philosophies, but you can ask them, "follow my lead." If you have a pattern of meddling family trying to get your child to eat more, less, try foods, pressure, shame, or bully, step in with a polite but firm, "Mom, please follow my lead with this." Try not to explain or draw more attention, or argue the issue in the moment of the meal.Hopefully beforehand you will find a moment to talk with your family and prepare them for this. "Mom, we are trying something with Susie and her eating. She is expected to be polite and participate, but we are allowing her to chose what foods and how much she will eat from what is on the table. Please don't ask her to eat more or make a fuss over her eating. That means, don't ask her to eat more, and also, don't make a fuss or praise if she does eat something new. I know it's not how you would handle it, but I hope you can just follow our lead." (Use those words in your preparatory explanation.) Then a brief reminder when they slip up should be enough.They will slip up and that's not the end of the world. With repeated reminders, hopefully they will back off. Remember too, what happens the other 300-some days of the year matter most.  Even my parents after years of hearing me go on about feeding etc. still on occasion fall into habits I don't like. With my catch phrase, they know to back off.What to do when the talk turns to calories, fat, dieting etc. when little impressionable ears are listening? I liked this post from Weightless Blog on having a fat-talk free Thanksgiving. I particularly liked this practical line:“I’d rather not focus on weight and food, but I’d love to hear about ___________________(fill in the blank with whatever is of interest to you).  Your goal is to refocus the conversation in a way that will allow you to connect with those around you.or, "Hey, let's talk about your trip to family camp this summer, we're thinking about going next year!"Also, I make it a point NEVER to comment on someone's weight. (In my pre-enlightened days, I would comment if someone had lost weight. I have been clued-in and had some colleagues and friends share some difficult stories about the Holidays and eating disorders. You never know if someone is losing weight by dieting, over-exercising, binging, purging, severe restriction, or as the result of a serious illness.) Even if you don't talk weight, a "You look great!" to a recovering anorexic or bulimic can be a terrible trigger. It can be interpreted so many ways, many of which can set folks back. "You look great," might be interpreted as ,"You look fat."  Commenting about someone's appearance is automatic for many, as it was for me, that it took me awhile to come up with something else.Skip the looks, the clothes, the weight. How about a sincere, "I am so glad to see you!" or "I missed your smile!" and "tell me about school! or New York City..."What do you think? Have you found a way to handle the mine-fields?