"don't judge me, but I..."

To begin: things I never thought I would do as a mother...

1) let my six year-old get a pedicure, more than once (more below)2) give formula to my baby. This is a nice article on the topic, from someone with more street-cred, since she successfully breast-fed two other children.3)buy Legos that looked like these...4) let her eat marshmallows or candy with breakfast on occasion5) say, "Now, what part of 'no' did you not understand?"6) let my home get so messyI imagine there are things you do as a parent that you never thought you would do. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.Now, don't judge me, please... On the pedicures, M was a major toenail picker. They looked awful, hurt, bled, etc. I tried all kinds of tactics to help her stop, from silly-putty to keep her hands busy to outright nagging. Nothing worked, until out of real fear that she would get an infection or damage her nail bed permanently, I told her if she stopped, she could get a pedicure. And she did. That moment and forever more. Who knew? (I chewed my fingernails until I was 17...)Still, and this is the part that I find interesting and sad, when I do things I think others would judge, like letting M have Cheetos with lunch, or getting a pedicure, I still care what other people think. I care what you think. I know I shouldn't, and I'm working on it, but when I take her to the salon (where it's between $8 and $15 for a mani-pedi, and there I go again not wanting you to judge me for spending too much money on a child's pedicure...) I feel like I have to loudly explain, "Oh, your nails look so healthy now, I'm so glad you stopped picking."Because, alas, I know that I would have judged a mother bringing her child for a mani-pedi at age 6, There, I'll admit it. I was judgmental (probably still am, but much, much less so...)Parenthood has been (as the article on breast feeding above says) humbling. Before kids, I might have tut-tutted a mom snapping at her child. I know before kids and before delving into the research and working with families, I have judged parents for getting fast food, I was biased against fat people (as many doctors and lay people are), I didn't understand or have sufficient empathy for parents of children with special needs. I just didn't know.I was struck when teaching a class recently, how many moms prefaced their questions with, "Don't judge me, but I..." or, "I know this is so bad but..." while looking somewhat anxiously and sheepishly around the room at the other moms.

We are all doing the best we can.

As I have worked with families over the years, I know this to be true. Many clients "admit" to giving their children mac-n-cheese, or say, "We've been doing it all wrong."I feel grateful I found this work. I have so much more empathy for myself, for my child, and for other mothers. So much less judgment. Being a "good" parents means sometimes asking for help, sometimes letting your child eat marshmallows for breakfast, not because it's the breakfast of champions, but because you know that for your child, helping her learn to handle "forbidden" foods is a gift.That empathy means not torturing yourself or overcompensating when you sometimes lose your cool, and taking that opportunity to talk with and apologize to your child. It means eating take-out more than you want to because you are back in grad school, or going through a divorce, or eating more canned veggies because it's what you can afford right now, or giving your baby formula, and not beating yourself up over it. It also means not judging others who do the same.What do you think? What have you done as a mother you swore you would never do? What are you still struggling with? Has motherhood made you more or less judgey?